At the beginning of this post I vowed to myself that if I was going to post about my journey, I would post 100% true, warts and all...
With that being said, this is the post I have been most nervous about. Even whilst writing I have checked, deleted, re-wrote and deleted again and then closed the computer a few times because I'm scared that it won't come across as I mean it to!
But hey... I can't be the only one right?
Social Niceties.
So here it is. We all know that whenever there is good news, its to be celebrated! And to all my friends, I truly mean that I have never been happier for you than when you have told us you are expecting!
I have sat with many of you as we've discussed the challenges with conceiving and know it has got many of you down when you have been struggling to 'make that baby'.
But I have to be honest. When we have heard this amazing news there is a wave of emotion that comes to the surface. Of course initially it is sheer excitement! Yes!! it has finally happened for you and I can't think of anybody who I want this to happen more for! Lets get the champagne on ice, get the curry on order and we will be round within the hour to celebrate. Ah, hold on. Get the alcohol free wine, the beer for the boys and still... The curry on order!
The Celebration
Whenever we meet after hearing you have conceived it is amazing to see how happy this has made you, both of you and being able to discuss the excitement, the fears and everything that comes with the next 9 months journey that you have no clue about. It is genuinely an exciting experience that I always feel so pleased to be a part of and I love deeply every one of my friends who has had the conscious thought to tell us they are expecting by a private whatsapp message or a phone call or when we go to visit them it truly shows the level of love we obviously share together rather than just another friend on social media who has found out. And that isn't meant to take anything away from people who we interact with on socials because we all have a place, care for and want to be involved but whatsapp just hits differently!
The Envy
Many people who discuss their issues with mental health will regularly say that it is being alone with their thoughts that triggers them and increases their issues and that is no different with these circumstances.
After the highs and excitement of being around friends in such a euphoric state there is always the envy of why did it happen to them and not me? What am I doing wrong or what have I done wrong for this not to work for me but it does for them?
The Guilt
Of course the envy is always short lived as I have nothing but genuine happiness for all of my friends when they expect to grow their families but like anybody with a toddler will know, we all want what somebody else has.
This is where the guilt sets it. How can I be a true friend if I've been envious of them?
How can I feel resentful that it's happening for them and not me!?
Am I really that horrible of a person that I wish it was happening for me - this is where I know it is a natural feeling and where I acknowledge I am a good person because I have never, ever felt that I wish it was happening for me INSTEAD of them! Only ever happening AS WELL as them!
Final Notes
To all of my friends that have shared your special moments with us and have welcomed the most beautiful babies into the world, I love you all and I truly thank you for allowing me to be a part of your children's lives. I know that you will understand why we are sharing this journey as many of us have had these discussions before and know I have loved every second of being in all of the children's lives and cant wait to share many more milestones with them as we all grow! And who knows, maybe one day soon we will be sharing this journey too!